Receive Free Monthly TeachingQuestion:
Friendships vs. Professionalism
How does one in a middle management position (associate pastor), foster friendships within the congregation and remain effective in a leadership role with those same people? When relationships develop into friendships it seems to result in a lack of respect (or less effectiveness) when I later have to function as a leader toward them. It seems to be a balancing act that I have not yet mastered. I want to be friendly, but I don’t want to minimize my effectiveness in leadership. What guidelines would you give to a staff minister who is trying to get this area right?
Responses:
Pastor Al Jennings – Fort Wayne, IN
That is an excellent question. I think it all depends. The word “congregation” is a broad term; so I’m not sure if you’re talking about your volunteer/helps ministry team or the congregation at large. So to be clear, I’m going to address the volunteer/helps team within the congregation.
There is a philosophy that says you shouldn't get too close to people as a Pastor or they will disrespect you. If handled correctly, friendships with key leaders in the congregation do not have to result in a lack of respect. I think it's healthy to develop relationships and friendships with the key leaders who report to you. When you lead a godly and exemplary life in front of people – a life of integrity and honor – I think developing friendships and being transparent with them will actually increase their respect for you. That said, I think those friendships should be limited to a small circle of people, not the entire congregation. In addition to that, I believe that it is important to teach the congregation along the lines of spiritual authority and how to honor, respect, and relate to the pastoral staff.
Pastor Stan Saunders – Chillicothe, MO
Michelle and I have a wonderful relationship with our staff and members of the congregation. We are closer friends with some than with others. People see our flaws and weaknesses as we are around them. I have never tried to hide my flaws. I am transparent from the pulpit and try to be "real" with the people. If one is living an authentic Christian lifestyle, I don't believe that friendships diminish one's ability to also lead friends effectively as their pastor. I am human, a husband, a father and a Christ-follower all before I am a pastor. I relate to others on all of those levels.
There is a dignity and grace that a pastor must maintain in all settings. Certainly, inappropriate comments or behavior will reduce one's ability to lead. When necessary I have apologized for my carnal moments. It happens. If this were my normal behavior, then I am in trouble as a pastor anyway.
I have friends who are school administrators, doctors, dentists, and bankers. We participate in sporting events together or have dinner together. Yet, in the professional setting of their offices, I easily submit to their leadership. It is not a problem at all. I believe pastors can do the same. Jesus spent every day with his disciples and was able to speak into their lives. He even spoke harshly in correcting them.
The bottom line is that we all need friends. I need friends. I have friends at church, in the community and friends in ministry all over the world. I don't have enough friends to lose any or to restrict my options. We live in a small town, far removed from larger cities. If I cannot be friends with the people that surround me every day, then I would be a lonely person. Leadership at times is lonely. There are frustrations that I can only share with my pastor friends. They are the only ones that understand and can help me in these areas anyway. It is beneficial for me to have a variety of friends. I seek out safe friendships where I can be myself. Friendships must refresh me, not drain me.
I have friends that sit in the congregation and receive from me every week.
Pastor Thom Fields – Kennewick, WA
This is such a tough topic. This friendship issue creates quite the drama and produces a lot of trauma. Here is how I view it. Friends aren’t easy to find and friendship is difficult to develop. After 25+ years in the ministry, my wife and I have come to the realization that our “true friends” are out-numbered by the nuggets offered in a McDonald’s Happy Meal. True friends, mind you, aren’t being added to the church daily. I could go on quite a lengthy dissertation describing the qualities of a true friend versus those found in long-term church relationships. The fact is, however, most of the people you’re attempting to develop relationship with need you to step up and be a leader and to stop attempting to be their friend. After several years of growing, sharing and caring together, I’ve seen many, whom I considered to be great friends, get up and walk out the door. I’ve learned much through the process. First – be a leader at all times first. We weren’t called into the ministry to build friendships, but to develop disciples. Don’t build relationships and see if leadership works out. Lead. Maybe you’ll build a friendship, but if not…at least you didn’t leave them where you found them. Secondly – be tougher than your average sissy. Leadership isn’t always fun. A few have been crucified due to it. Hard and cold isn’t the answer, but tougher skin is a must! “Be strong” and “endure hardship” aren’t popular – but they are Bible words.
Pastor Walker Schurz – Lusaka, Zambia
With Jesus as our ultimate example in life, leadership and ministry, He certainly had more than just a professional relationship with His disciples. He did a host of activities with them: dinner parties, funerals and weddings, vacation, business trips and festivals. He lived his life with them—and very closely. He called them His friends.
He also never had trouble correcting them and was very secure in His position and His relationship with His Father. He did not chase down the rich, young ruler when he rejected His terms. Perhaps the disciples were also helped by the very clear cultural understanding of the roles of a rabbi and his followers. When they signed up, they knew this was much more than a social relationship.
Jesus also had friends that He was closer to than others and perhaps John was his closest human friend. He did not treat everyone the same and included a select few in activities and conversations that others did not have. This did not always go over well as there was quite a bit of bickering and jockeying for position within the group.
Jesus was also limited in what He could do in His home town, not because of a Jesus problem, but because they did not recognize the role God had given Him. They still saw Him as one of the guys and remembered Him as He grew up in their town.
I think that in following the example of Jesus, we can and should have friendships with those that we work with and with whom you may have authority over. It would seem we can be selective in this regards. Not everyone can handle a friendship and still also submit and recognize the position you may hold in the church. This may be especially tough for someone with whom you have had a relationship with in the past or when your position changes and their position does not.
I also believe it is incredibly healthy to have some great, long-term relationships with people who are not in your church or ministry. They know you for simply who you are and not what you do or the position you have. I appreciate and cultivate these relationships and find them a great source of fun, care and joy.
Pastor Dennis Cummins – Puyallup, WA
Boundaries are so important within any leadership role. The military figured this out long ago with the officer and enlisted personnel. While I am not advocating such roles in church, your role as a pastor comes before any level of friendship within that church. An associate’s role is much more like the role of the sergeant’s role in the Army. You may be in the trenches and more connected with certain people than your pastor, but you cannot allow a friendship to trump your calling and pastoral role. Ethics would say that any relationship nurtured in your church while occupying a staff position should always be held in a secondary position to that of your pastoral responsibilities. I as the Senior Pastor can be friendly to all in my church, hang out and have fun with the guys in my church, but I never abdicate my Pastoral role. I am always a pastor in their eyes and never off the clock. Anything that I do with the guys outside of church directly reflects on how they view me as their pastor. One thing that may make a big difference is discerning what to share and not to share with the people in your congregation. This means good news flows down and bad news flows up. Personal issues related to spouse, family or your leadership should never be disclosed with those you’re leading, but should be held in trust with those you are under to help you navigate and grow through them.
If you want more respect as a leader in your church then you will have to make some tough decisions; by showing that your loyalty is with the vision and leadership of the church over the opinions of those that surround you. Remember it is not the work we do on the platform but it is the actions and words off the platform that determines the level of respect that people have for us.
Good hunting!
